Someone recently asked me to talk about the science behind EFT/Tapping. It’s a question that doesn’t come up too often, but—being the research nerd I am—I was happy to explain what the science shows now.
Check out my new video about how Tapping works and the science behind it.
In the video I describe some of the research about Tapping and how it works. I also apply the theories to the work I do to explain how I think it makes the big changes it does for my clients.
Some of the examples I use show the changes to my clients’ blocks to allowing more money in and keeping it around. It is truly amazing for me to see the changes in my clients’ lives and their futures!
We usually think that test anxiety only affects kids. And of course it can be devastating for them.
But sometimes that test anxiety can get in the way of an adult trying to follow their dream. When it does, it can look a lot like procrastination—avoiding signing up for the test; rescheduling it over and over; putting other things over advancing your career.
That’s what happened to two of my clients. Watch the video to see how Test Procrastination affected them and what I do to get rid of it.
We can’t always leave tests behind when we grow up. If you have a case of Test Procrastination that’s keeping you from creating the life you want, don’t give up on your dream. There is a way to get rid of what has been holding you back.
Do you find that a case of nerves can get in the way of going after what you want sometimes? Then this week’s technique can help.
Usually I use Tapping with clients to get rid of their deep-seated blocks to creating the life they want. But it’s not the only trick I have up my sleeve!
Do this simple technique when you’re just a little nervous about something and you will feel more confident in minutes. Watch the video now:
When you’re nervous you can’t think at your best or be as convincing or appealing as you are when you are confident, whether you’re giving a presentation at work or going on a date. Try this technique out next time you’ve got a case of the jitters and see what a difference it makes.
“Elizabeth” had a big block. Lately she had been unintentionally sabotaging her relationships with her big clients She was worried that it was jeopardizing her business, and she was right. She needed to get rid of her block. But her block wasn’t quite what she thought it was.
Elizabeth works hard at everything she does. When her clients say they need something, she always takes on the project immediately no matter how unreasonable the time frame. Then she knocks herself and her staff out getting it done. She has taken that old adage to “underpromise and overdeliver” and thrown away the “underpromise” part. She promises her clients everything they want in record time, struggles to make it happen, and then finds that they don’t appreciate how hard she works. Of course, she rarely tells them how difficult it will be to meet their deadlines, so how could they?
She also overdoes things at home. Despite having a successful business making more than enough money, she does all the cleaning and cooking at home. She manages her seventh grade son’s schedule, personally making sure he gets to all his after school activities, attends his games, and hosts his friends at home at least once a week. And when he started struggling in math, she researched geometry books, got the one with the most recommendations, and tutored him herself. When her husband complained about their outdated kitchen, she hired the general contractor then made all the decisions and dealt with the inevitable problems on her own.
Today I want to give you a way to figure out whether your have a common block which can completely derail your progress. I’ll also give you a way to defuse it.
Although this block is common, it often manages to go unrecognized in most people since it only shows up when they start to make—and actually see—real progress towards their goals. That’s when it starts driving them to sabotage the progress they are making, which can be completely confusing as well as frustrating.
Why would anyone sabotage their own efforts just when they are starting to see some success?
Actually, it makes perfect sense that someone would sabotage themselves when they are starting to see improvement if the block they have is a fear of letting go of how they think of themselves. Take my client “Dominic,” an independent consultant who has a history of cycling back and forth between periods of expanding his client list and backing off from his business and letting it shrivel. He’s even been known to take a job in an entirely different field during a period where he is stepping away from his business. He truly loves what he does and wants to build a thriving practice, so we’ve been knocking down the internal blocks that get him off track.
After making some initial progress on his blocks, we decided to tackle his backlog of paperwork. Dominic had been letting his billing slide, which was doing a number on his cash flow. We made a plan, breaking down the project into several steps, then putting the steps on his calendar. We also made a plan for him get the billing done on a weekly basis going forward. What had seemed an insurmountable problem turned into something he could catch up on within a few days, then easily take care of after that. Dominic must have felt great, right?
Wrong. When I asked him how he was feeling, Dominic said with surprise in his voice that he was feeling “a little anxious.” As I asked more questions, he admitted that he didn’t know what it would be like to have his business running smoothly. He was a “flake.” Everybody knew that, including him. Who would he be when his business was thriving? He wouldn’t be that flake anymore. So who would he be?
Fear of losing…everything
When we have been holding a picture in our mind for a long time of who we are, anything that threatens to replace that picture can feel dangerous, even if on the surface we really want the change. It can seem to us, on some deeper level, that who we are will die if we change too much—even if we think the change is for the good. That’s extreme language, I know, but that’s how this block makes us feel. Then we will do anything, even sabotage what we want most in life, to avoid that frightening feeling.
Of course, we know that becoming more successful in our business or job will not make us die. But simply knowing that on an intellectual level does not change the emotional reaction we have to the “threat” to our self-image. And those emotions get triggered if we take a significant step towards change.
So if you notice that you start out full of good intentions on a new effort to move forward in your job or business, but pull back whenever you start to make progress, you may have this emotional block. If you have a pattern of doing something to screw up what had been off to a good start, you may have this block. Perhaps you just have a feeling that this might be a problem for you. If you have any of these indications, try this experiment.
What do you see when you visualize change, in detail?
Close your eyes. See yourself as more successful than you already are—maybe you are one more rung up the corporate ladder, or your business has a wait list of clients clamoring to hire you. Whatever you’ve been telling yourself is your next big goal, imagine you have achieved it and it’s effortless now. What do you look like? What does your workplace look like? Picture what you do during the day. Are you busy in important meetings? Traveling and giving presentations? Do you have more direct reports or people working for you? Who do you talk with and how do you interact with each other?
I assume that you will have more income. What are you doing with it? Imagine what it feels like to have more than you need to pay the bills, pay off all your debts, be able to go on more exotic vacations, pay for education, move to a bigger house, or donate more to your favorite charities—whatever you would do with the increase.
Now hear in your mind what the important people in your life are saying to you about your newfound success, whether that is your spouse, family members, clients, co-workers, bosses, or friends. Include important people from your past (your soccer coach, first wife, and brother you haven’t talked to in years). Don’t forget to “talk” to people who have died. Next, imagine what those same people are really thinking. Some of their thoughts will be the same as what they say to you, but some will be different.
If I’ve missed anything, be sure you put it into your picture. The goal is to really imagine all the aspects of your success. When you’ve spent some time getting a complete picture of this success and what it will change in your life, check out how you are feeling about it. You might expect to feel happy, excited, hopeful, even relieved, and you probably will feel some of those emotions. But if anything negative came up—like nervousness, worry, fear, heaviness, sadness, or overwhelm—some part of you is probably trying to avoid the loss of the “old” you.
Getting a negative feeling from inside yourself while visualizing your dreams coming true? Yep, you’ve got the block we’re talking about here.
Three simple steps to end the self-sabotage
One way to get around this block is to set aside time every day to do exactly what you just did. Visualize yourself as this more successful you, going through your day with all the perks of the success. You really only need to do this a few minutes at a time. But to make this work, you need to do three other things:
First, if negative things come into your visualization, like your boss yells at you, or you screw up and tick off your clients, or you are working too many hours, correct that part of the visualization. Visualize it again, but this time visualize the way you really want it to turn out (even if you have your boss acting out of character). After all, this is supposed to be the success you want, so see it that way.
Second, while visualizing, put each of your thumbs on the side of the index finger next to it and rub gently in slow circles near the base of the fingernail. This is a relaxation technique that will help you let go of the negative emotions that come up when you are visualizing your own success. This is key, since those negative emotions are the ones that are driving you to sabotage yourself when success starts to loom on the horizon.
Keep doing this exercise for a few minutes each day until the new you feels comfortable, and there are no more negative emotions connected to seeing yourself as successful.
We usually think that, to change how we think of ourselves, first we have to change what we do. It’s counterintuitive to think we have to change how we think of ourselves in order to change what we do, but that is exactly how you will get past this particular block.
So if you’ve discovered you have this block—you’re thinking of yourself as less successful than you want to be—it’s time to get started changing your thoughts. Until you do, it’s going to be nearly impossible to change what you are doing.
Last week I started a series on the practical application of Martin Seligman’s Learned Optimism to improve your results in your work. Last week in my post What Optimisim Will Get You I explained why using an optimistic approach can get you past some of your blocks and when to use it. This week I’ll explain the three elements of the optimistic explanatory style that get you motivated and energized.
Optimism as Seligman describes it is not some sort of dewy-eyed, happy-go-lucky approach to life that someone is born with. Likewise, being pessimistic does not mean going around being grouchy all the time. Instead they are ways of explaining events in your life. And since you can learn how to use an optimistic explanatory style, you can get the benefits of being an optimist even if you’ve never thought of yourself as one before. (By the way, if you think of yourself as a “realist,” you most likely use a pessimistic explanatory style more often than not.)
We will focus here on ways to get unblocked by changing how you explain to yourself why bad things happen in your job or business. Explain setbacks the wrong way and you’ll feel helpless, like it isn’t worth trying anymore, and your career or business will suffer accordingly. Explain them in the right way and you’ll bounce back quickly from the same setbacks, sometimes with more excitement and energy than ever, leading to all sorts of good results at work. So identifying when your explanations are blocking you and changing them to more motivating language are important skills to develop.
Everyone feels at least momentarily helpless in the face of a failure. The pessimist decides he is helpless and gives up. The optimist looks at the same failure and thinks of ways to limit it so he can go on to succeed. To react to a setback with optimism, you need to look at the three Ps of how you explain what happened, or your explanatory style: Permanence, Pervasiveness and Personalization.
Permanence: Temporary (Optimistic) v. Permanent (Pessimistic)
First, Permanence. An optimist thinks of a bad thing as a temporary setback, arising out of temporary conditions that will or can be changed. A pessimist believes it is something permanent that’s going to last for a long time because it was caused by traits that will not change in himself, or the economy, or in potential buyers, or in “people.” To use the optimistic approach, look for ways that a situation is temporary or the conditions for it can be changed.
Instead of thinking “No one is going to buy from my company in such a bad economy; I’m doomed,” you might think “Yes, the economy is bad right now, but it always cycles out of downturns eventually. I just need a plan for how to get through this lean patch.” Or “What can I provide that people need now because the economy is bad.”
Instead of “That was terrible. I’ll never get the hang of sales,” think “I blew that sales pitch, but I can go back over my notes and practice for the next one, and maybe get some pointers from my friend on how to handle that kind of objection.”
Instead of “My boss ignored my idea at the meeting because she doesn’t want to try anything new. I won’t bug her about it anymore,” try something like “My boss has seemed pretty out of it lately. Maybe she has too much on her plate to consider my idea right now. I can check back with her in a few weeks to see if anything has changed.”
So if you catch yourself thinking people, or situations, or even you, are “always” or “never” a certain way, and will never change, find ways to limit your conclusions. Remember: situations and people change all the time, so “always” and “never” thoughts are usually wrong on their face. Dig deeper for ways change may happen.
Pervasiveness: Specific (Optimistic) v. Universal (Pessimistic)
Next, Pervasiveness. A pessimist thinks a setback in one area means everything is going to go bad in all areas. She sees it as a universal failure. An optimist sees the setback as limited to the one event. He sees the failure as specific. Here’s how those two explanatory styles might look:
“All bosses will throw you under the bus to save their own career (so I’ll just keep my head down” v. “This boss will throw me under the bus to save his career (and I better get my resume updated)!”
“My services are worthless” v. “My services are worthless to this guy, but maybe that guy over there needs what I do right now.”
“The job market is in the tank. No one is getting hired right now. I’m never going to get an interview” v. “The overall numbers don’t look good, but my region is picking up faster than other parts of the country” or “my industry is actually growing” or “I’m not getting hired by statistics; I just need one offer from one company with one opening. There is always turnover from people retiring, moving away, or even dying. Something will open up if I just keep sending out resumes and networking.
Personalization: Externalization (Optimistic) v. Internalization (Pessimistic)
Finally, Personalization. A pessimist internalizes the cause for a failure, saying “I’m the cause of this problem” and calls themselves names (“I’m such an idiot.” “I can’t sell lemonade to people in the desert.” “I’m a total failure in this job.”) An optimist externalizes the cause, blaming outside people or forces. (“My co-workers didn’t do their homework.”)
Two things to be aware of on this last explanatory pitfall. First, it is the least important, so if you have limited time to make changes in your own explanatory style, focus on the other two. Second, and more importantly, you will not improve if you do not take responsibility for your mistakes. If you caused a problem, or were a significant reason for a failure, own that. But don’t call yourself names. Instead look at how you can change, learn or grow from what happened. That’s the optimistic and effective approach that will lead to better results in your career or business.
For the next week, pay attention to how you use the 3 Ps when something goes wrong. Do you see it as a permanent problem that is pervasive throughout all areas that is caused by your personal failings? If you find you lean toward any of those pessimistic explanations, you will want to get started on changing your explanations so you can be more effective and energized when you want.
Coming up next, I’ll detail some of Seligman’s specific techniques for changing a pessimistic explanatory style to an optimistic one.
In the last couple of weeks three of my clients admitted that they had been avoiding looking for a new job because they were afraid of going on interviews. These clients had significant reasons to go after new jobs (e.g., financial distress, an unsupportive boss, being in the wrong industry) which they recognized, yet they were allowing their unexamined fears stop them. So we examined their fears.
Simple Interviewing Fears
“Adele” has been out of work for several years. At first it was a choice, but after her husband died it became harder to continue her same lifestyle. Lately she has found herself really pinched with unexpected health problems. She realizes she would do much better if she went back to work, she enjoys her profession, and she knows she is good at what she used to do. But in spite of all that she hasn’t been able to bring herself to look for a job.
When I asked why, she said it was because she was afraid of going on interviews. I got her to relax and think about being in an interview. Then I had her finish the sentence “The worst thing about an interview is . . . .” She surprised us both by answering “none of my clothes fit.” We had a good laugh, she said there was an easy fix to this problem and that she was ready to get started.
That wasn’t the end to the problem, though. It turns out that Adele is also afraid that she will perform badly in any tests she is given during the interview. Why? She keeps thinking of an interview she went on a few years back where she was out of practice and got so flustered when asked to perform that she couldn’t do what she had done for years. The pain and embarrassment she felt was intense. She has convinced herself that this will happen again so she avoids putting herself in any situation (such as an interview) where it might.
So what to do? First, Adele has to address the deficit in her closet by buying an outfit that feels comfortable and appropriate. Second, together we will work on that memory to take away the emotional sting. Third, Adele will look for volunteer work at an organization she respects that will allow her to practice her old skills until she feels she is ready for that interview (or gets hired by someone who observes her in action).
Fear of Failure In an Interview
Meanwhile, “Brynne” was feeling stifled by her current situation. Her boss wasn’t giving her any of the stretch projects she was seeking to grow and move up in their company. On top of that, the boss’s personal style was to mention only the mistakes, never giving recognition for Brynne’s many accomplishments. Brynne needed to move to a new position with a more compatible manager. Brynne had realized a year ago she needed that change, yet here she was with an out-of-date resume and all the excuses in the world why she couldn’t start her search now.
When pressed, she admitted the real reason she was avoiding her job search was that she was afraid of going on any interviews. So I got her to relax, then asked her to finish the same sentence I asked Adele: “The worst thing about an interview is . . . .” She thought about it and answered “I won’t be good enough and the interviewer will judge me.”
While this sounds logical, look at it more closely. Why should she care what the interviewer thinks, really? The interviewer is not going to report back to Brynne’s family, friends, or even her boss on her performance in the interview. They are not going to decide who Brynne marries, what college her children go to, or whether she gets into heaven. At most, all they do is decide whether to hire Brynne for the job or not. Big deal. Even if she really wants the offer, it will not be the end of the world if she doesn’t get it. There are other jobs out there, and Brynne (if she’s smart) wants one where they want her and she wants them. Figuring out whether there is that kind of fit is really what the interview is about. If the interviewer doesn’t want her, then — HURRAY — they’ve figured out there isn’t a fit before any harm is done.
With a little thought, Brynne agreed that it wasn’t about whether the interviewer would judge her as not good enough but whether she will judge herself as wanting. Brynne is a perfectionist, and the fear of not being perfect has been a stumbling block we’ve worked on before. Half an hour later, we’d eliminated that block to interviewing and Brynne was smiling at the thought of finding her next job. (If you have that perfectionism block, check out my earlier post on how to get past it.)
Fear of Succeeding and Getting the Job
“Clarice” was in a panic. She had done the unthinkable, applying for her dream job on a lark and suddenly finding herself scheduled to fly out for an interview. If she had thought she would actually get that far she never would have applied. What would she do if she got the job?!
First things first. We had to get her to calm down so she could actually think. I had her tap on acupressure points that work as a powerful relaxation technique. (If you want to know what they are, you can see them in this post.)
When Clarice was breathing again, I got her talking about what was so alarming. While she continued to tap, I had her start with “The worst thing about the interview is . . . ,“ and it all came out. What if she got the job? She’d have to move to a city where she didn’t know anyone, leaving behind the friends she’d made and groups she belonged to (not to mention a certain ex she still had feelings for.) And she’d have to stop playing small, doing a job that was easy and safe. She would no longer be a big fish in a small pond. She’d have to stretch and prove herself to the hiring manager, someone whose accomplishments she really admired. What if she couldn’t do the new job? And ultimately, she would have to find out if the dream she had been holding onto for so long was really what she wanted. What if she hated the work after all?
By relaxing her body while getting out all the fears she had about this job, Clarice was able to start thinking about them rationally, putting them in perspective. She didn’t completely lose her fears, but they became much more rational. She left looking calm, thoughtful, and — yes — a bit excited.
How to Lower Your Interviewing Fear
So what do you do if fear of going on an interview is stopping you from going after a new job? First of all, relax. Remember, just thinking about interviewing cannot hurt you! If you are having trouble relaxing, try the tapping exercise above or one of the techniques from this post.
When you are relaxed, finish this sentence “The worst thing about an interview is . . . .” What’s the first thing that comes to mind? Write it down. Relax again and fill in the blank again. Keep going until nothing else comes to mind. Next, go through your list one by one, keeping your body relaxed throughout.
You should notice a few things. First, usually just getting clear on what it is you are afraid of can bring your overall fear down. Second, some of those fears just won’t bother you anymore when looked at in the light of day. (Remember Adele and her interview outfit?) Finally, just staying relaxed while thinking about your fears may allow your mind to come up with ways to fix the problem. (Adele could work as a volunteer to practice her skills. Brynne doesn’t really care about the interviewer’s opinion. And Clarice can make plans to join groups where she’ll get to know people in her new town.)
So there you have it — a simple way to bring down your fear of interviewing so you can go after a job you really want.
Nancy Linnerooth has been helping professionals, executives and business owners for well over a decade to get rid of their internal blocks so they can meet their career and business goals.
These internal blocks often show up as repeating patterns of behavior that undercut what they’re trying to accomplish, like procrastinating; avoiding public speaking, cold calling and networking; choking in interviews; and becoming overwhelmed and losing focus.
Nancy comes to the world of coaching with a diverse background as a practicing psychotherapist of many years and a recovering attorney who got her JD from Harvard Law School. So she understands the demands of working in a high-pressured, high-stakes world.